FIFTY SHADES OF THIS MESS.
- Soooo I guess this another S&M scene.
- OH IT WAS JUST A DREAM.
- Babby’s first wet dream for Anna.
- I got bored and started looking in the 50 shades tag on tumblr. THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD TUMBLRS ABOUT RAGGING ON 50 SHADES OF GREY.
- fiftyshadesofsnark is pretty amazing.
- Damn why is every one hating on Wanda the car? If it can drive, it’s a good car.
- Another scene with Fake Charlie :( Guys remember Charlie. He was cool. True main character of Twilight.
- Aww the scene with Anna and Fake Charlie. That’s really kinda sweet. Sickly sweet but still sweet.
- Kate makes the best speech ever. We don’t get to read Kate’s speech :(
- Anna: “Christian was hungry once. Holy Crap, that explains a great deal.” (This is suppose to explain why Christian wants Anna to be feed all the time)….I got nothing to say about this. This line is perfect on it’s own.
- Omg Anna still knows nothing about Christian at all, you would think she would do a google search on him.
- Anna: CHRISTIAN IS DOING CHARITY WORK AND CHASING ME AT THE SAME TIME. Well Anna some times people can do multiple things at once, it’s called time management.
- Omg this is the wrong time to have a convo on the graduation stage , CHRISTIAN AND ANNA. GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE. OTHER PEOPLE GOT TO GRADUATE.
- Christian: OMG ANNA WHY DIDN’T YOU ANSWER YOU EMAIL?
Anna: Why didn’t you just call me?
I actually gotta agree with Anna with this one. Pick up a phone, if you are so damn worried.
- Anna’s subconscious aka ~Inner Goddess~ is such an asshole, I can’t tell if I like her or not.
- CHRISTIAN IS NOT PLEASED THAT SOME OTHER MAN IS GIVING ANNA ATTENTION.
- Oh she finally agreed to try to be a sub. Didn’t see that coming. WHAT A TWIST RIGHT? I WAS SO SURE SHE WOULD SAY NO AND THE BOOK WOULD END (one can dream).
- I just noticed, Anna’s Subconscious and her ~Inner Goddess~ are two different people? Parts of her mind? They are two differnet things.
- Anna keeps saying she can’t keep these books but she never returned them. RETURN THE DAMN BOOKS OR KEEP THEM.
END OF THIS CHAPTER. TIME FOR CHAPTER 15.
Hurrrr sorry I didn’t post anything on Saturday, probably no one noticed.
LAST TIME ON FIFTY SHADES OF CRAYCRAY…
OMG I LOST MY PLACE IN MY AUDIO BOOK I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THE TIME DOWN. WHATEVS, I DOUBT WHAT EVER I SKIP OVER WAS IMPORTANT.
BACK TO THIS POORLY WRITTEN SUMMARY? RECAP? ….THING.
- I was able to find a spot close enough to where I left off.
- Christian and Anna, still on a date. They are talking about trust. Pretty much the convo is just Christian say ‘OMG YOU SHOULD TOTES TRUST ME!’
- Ok I really want to find out why Christian is so into feeding Anna.
- Christian: “HMM TASTE OF THE SEA” (after eating oysters). Ugghh so corny.
- Christian: “you don’t chew oysters.” Now as a fatty, I have eaten a lot of oysters in my day. I never swallowed a oyster, I always chewed them. Have I been eating oysters the wrong way my whole life?!
- OMG I NEED A PENETRATIVE WORD COUNT (Penetrative count: about 1 per chapter now I think) , THIS WORD RIGHT NEXT TO BLAZE IS THIS WOMAN’S FAVORITE WORDS.
- LOL i love Anna’s hard line of ‘I’M NOT GONNA LET ANY ONE TELL ME HOW MUCH TO EAT, HOW HARD I CAN FUCK IS A-KO. BUT FOOD, HELL NAW.’ Hey I guess we all got our lines in the sand some where.
- OMG I’m so hungry, I wish I had some seafod or at least something edible, all I have is a fucking tub of butter my last roommate left. You can’t eat butter. It’s not even real butter it’s fucking Country Crock.
- Man Christian is counting Anna’s calories. That’s….I can’t tell if it is more creepy or rude.
- Christian: “YOU CAN BE DESSERT.” Just when I didn’t think he could get more cheesy.
- Christian explaining to Anna about how being a sub would be easy, kinda makes sense. But it sound wrong coming from Christian. I guess because I don’t believe him as a dom and he comes off as a controlling stalker.
- Damn ROBO CHRISTIAN CAN DETECT PANTIES WETTENING IN A TABLE CLOTH RANGE.
- I’M DYING, THE MOST AWKWARD SEDUCTION EVER. Anna sucking on a cold asparagus and then biting off the tip. Um girl…well you tried.
- BLAZE WORD (referring to Christian’s eyes) COUNT: around 10 now.
- Christian: “OMG IS THAT YOUR SHITTY ASS CAR ANNA, HOW DO IT EVEN WERK?” Damn Christian not every one is a bu-billionaire like you.
- Anna is pretty much having a small break down about if she waste 3 months of her time banging Christian. Am I a cold person to think, 3 months time is not a lot of time, that’s like a good time for a trial dating/fucking/dom-subbing. You know what a long time is? 2 years with a shitty cell phone plan you can’t break or a bad hair cut that you have to wait to grow out.
So that was this chapter.
FIFTY SHADES OF THIS:
- THE BORING ASS CONTRACT CHAPTER.
- THIS IS SO GOD DAMN BORING TO LISTEN TOO.
- Like really the author didn’t even try, she just googled BDSM contract and slave contract and just cut and pasted that shit down.
- My body is trying to shut down and my soul is trying to fly far far away so it can not have to listen to this boring ass contract reading.
- I got so bored I starting looking on the tumblr tag ‘50 shades of grey/fifty shades of grey’ and found this hilarious youtuber and tumblrer: Gineriella. At least some thing good came out of this book.
- Uh I spent a whole hour just watching her youtube and not paying attention to the audiobook. AND THE CONTRACT SCENE IS STILL GOING.
- 15.22-the sub can’t look at the dom in the eye? Wtf is Christian a dog and he will see direct eye contact as a threat? I mean I understand he wants Anna to act submissive but jesus that is so nitpicky and hard to keep up. Some times a nigga just accidently looks a mother fucker in the eye.
- Omg there are 22 points (not counthing the subpoints) in the contract.
- UUUUGH THERE IS MORE CONTRACT PARTS.
- Anna: OH NO HOW WILL I SEE MY FRIENDS IF I AM HAVING SEX WITH CHRISTIAN? Pssshhh like you have friends, other then Kate and shitty ass Jose.
- Anna-Bella is rolling her eyes and sighing that Christian got her a laptop.
- Oh it’s a mac. I would sigh too. (no I wouldn’t I’m just a pc snob, I would totally love a mac)
- Lol I love how author wrote the nerdy computer guy. That’s pretty accurate nerd disgust.
- NO NO NO NO THE EMAILING SCENES UGHHH THEY ARE SO BORING.
- Like I don’t think anyone will understand how fucking annoying and long the email scene are in audio form because the reader has to read outload the FROMs, the DATEs, the TIMEs, the shitty ‘clever’ SUBJECTS, and the TOs. And Christian’s dumb title of CEO GREY ENTERPRISE HOLDING. The audio book reader can’t just skip over it. And the email scenes keep going on and on. Like there has to be hours worth of wasted time just reading the FROMs/DATEs/TIMEs/SUBJECTs/TOs.
- ‘Hispanic smile’? What the fuck does that look like.
- lol I forgot the audio reader has to read out loud the emoticons like ‘WINKY SMILEY FACE’. (ps Christian was the first to use a winky smiley face emoticon)
- Anna makes a joke, Christian can’t take a joke.
- Anna: “How am I going dig my way out of this.” Just tell him it’s a joke.
- Anna: “I’m all deer/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake…and he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.” If this is not the most awkwardly written thing I have ever listened to in my life. All them slashes, I know I use slashes all the time and probably don’t use them right half the time but I know for sure that this sentence doesn’t sound right. This book had an editor. They let this go to print.
- “His eyes blazed at me”, You couldn’t think of another word other then BLAZE? You used that in the first chapter. The writer use BLAZED in almost every chapter. It’s not even a good word. Damn get a thesaurus.
- Sigh another sex scene, BUT WITH ICE THIS TIME.
- LOLOL he is literally spitting his drink into Anna’s mouth like a bird.
- Oh yea they had some sex. Whartever.
- Anna calls Christian’s first lover/dom, Ms. Robinson.
- As much as Anna had an attitude and snapped at Christian, when he suggest she could talk to his last sub, she kind of has a right to be. He had a bit of a double standard with him and Ms. Robinson and how he says Anna can’t talk to other people about her ‘relationship’ with Christian. As much as I don’t Anna, her talking back to Christian makes me root for her. Then I remember what I am reading and my hope dies.
- Anna talks to her boring southern mom.
- more boring stuff about packing and talking to friends and family
- when is this chapter going to end
- Anna has a “hot” date with Christian.
OMG I LOST MY PLACE IN MY AUDIO BOOK I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THE TIME DOWN. WHATEVS, I DOUBT WHAT EVER I SKIP OVER WAS IMPORTANT.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
BACK FOR MORE SHADE.
- Anna is gonna meet Christian’s Mom
- Anna panics
- Why is Anna’s bitch Self Conscious aka Inner Goddess, calling Anna a ho for wearing Christian’s clothes. Christian is so ~rich~, his clothes probably look better then Anna’s “smart” clothes.
- Omg I want stab Jose every time he says DIOS MEE-YO.
- GUUUUUUUAAAHHH THE CONTRACT.
- Anna: CHRISTIAN SO ELEGANT, HOW HE DO DAT?
- Anna: “I wanted a diet coke.” You know for this fancy classy sea food dinner we are about to eat. Diet Coke, when rappers order fancy drinks it’s Cristal and diet coke.
- Anna: “I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the top.” I…..nope.
- Anna: “Why haven’t you ever had vanilla sex before?” That is a good question Anna. Like not even the most hard corest of doms can have kinky sex EVERY TIME. But Christian couldn’t have been right out the gate flogging the first chick he banged.
- Oh I forgot Christian had an older lover who made/forced Christian into a sub when he was a youngin’.
- Actually, I forgot that is kinda a weird plot point, that got handle really poorly if I remember right. Or it got handled in the way Anna could handle it. By that I mean she handled it extremely poorly.
- Anna is wearing Christian’s underwear. She shows him his own underwear band from her jeans. I think that is suppose to be hot? Christian thinks so.
- I like Kate, she is straight to the point.
- Jose: ‘ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH CHRISTIAN FOR THE MONEY?’ Omg for once I agree with Anna, that is rude as fuck.
- blah blah YAWN YAWN 2deep4u shit
THEN I ATE MY IPOD TO STOP THE PAIN.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
Back for your daily dose of Grey.
- AWWWW YEA THE PLAY ROOM DESCRIPTION. YEAAaaaa-this is boring.
- Ugh the contract part. So boring and so frustrating. Because the writer obviously did some research about BDSM but she took a left turn to WTF town. Which seems like a wasted plot that could be interesting but I guess the movie Secretary had the same plot and did it better
- ANNA IS A VIRGIN, BURN THE VIRGIN.
- Oooor…you can just have sex with Anna. Yea ok.
- Sign the first sex scene…..is SO BORING.
- Well I guess the first sex scene is what most people would think of as sexy? It’s the most normal but it is so long and boring.
- I actually had to google Secretary to brush up on it and both the male characters last name’s are Grey. HMMMM.
- Anna was cooking and dancing? I kind of zoned out.
- 'Making the beast with two backs', Oh Christians’s sayings for sex.
- ANOTHER SEX SCE-oh lol nope.
- Christian: “I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.” Omg gag gross. Was this suppose to be sexy? Or clever? Because it is neither. Spoilers: He is talking about his dick.
- LOLOLOL THE BLOW JOB SCENE. YEA OK, I AM REALLY GONNA BELIEVE A VIRGIN (ex-virgin, whatevs this is her second time having sex) is going to a) not be scrapping her teeth all over his dick, b) not gagging on his EXTREMELY long rod and c) she was able to make him come on her first blow job. Oh she has no gag reflex ok, I believe it. SEEMS LEGIT.
- Also he was literally fucking her face and using her pigtails as handle bars. Rolling my eyes at this.
- There is actually a line in the book that basically says: MY HIPS ARE MOVING ON THEIR OWN. I thought that line was only a joke line that hentai manga translators used.
AWWWW SHIT SON DONE WITH PART 1 OF BOOK ONE (audio version). AND IT ONLY TOOK 4-5 HOURS?
FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY
- SOME MORE BORING SHIT HAPPENS
- THERE IS A PHOTOSHOOT OF CHRISTIAN.
- Ok what we know about Christian is that he has really long fingers. Because like every other sentence is talking about how long his fingers are. I wonder what kind of Slenderman fingers does this freak have.
- Christian and Anna have some kind of boring ass date. They talk about their boring ass lives.
CHAPTER 4-7 BECAUSE I TOTALLY WASN’T PLAYING ATTENTION:
- still boring
- oh wait, Christian is telling Anna HE IS TOO DANGEROUS.
- AAAAND ANNA IS REJECTED BOOM.
- Uuuuh so Christian rejected Anna but he sent her expensive books. You are sending mix signals. WAIT NO, ACCEPT THEM ANNA. DON’T GIVE THEM BACK.
- Hah the Drunk Dial Scene is kinda funny, I smirked at it.
- Jose tried to force kiss Anna, Anna says stawp. Jose doesn’t stawp.
- Christian makes Jose stawp.
- Anna barfs, Christian holds Anna’s hair back. That’s true love there.
- Wut Christian tracked you by your phone. At least her Inner Goddess, points out that is kind of stalkerish.
- Welp Anna passed out in Christian’s hotel room.
- BORING BORING BORING
- UUUUuuuuugh Anna for the first time in 21 years is feeling “FEELINGS”.
- Christian: OMG ANNA YOUR BORING ASS PERSONALITY, IT’S SO ATTRACTIVE. I JUST CAN’T QUIT YOU.
- Ugh the ‘I want to bite that lip’ line. Is just so gross to hear. Gross nigga, Gross.
- Also Anna bites her lips so much you are surprised she even has lips any more.
- EW EW EW DON’T USE CHRISTIAN’S TOOTH BRUSH. THAT ISN’T NAUGHTY OR SEXY, THAT’S GROCE.
- There first kiss scene, that’s (what I think) the most sexiest? scene. Or as sexy the book gets. After this scene it goes down hill.
- Who is Elliot suppose to be based off of.
- siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh boring.
- Kate is the only one with sense not to like Christian.
- Anna: ‘I still don’t see what he sees in me’. Well shit nigga that makes two of us.
- A PLANE RIDE WEEEEH, BUT ALSO IT’S BORING TO READ ABOUT.
- lol all Anna wears is basically jeans and she always comments I LOOK SMART ENOUGH. Like gurl, I don’t think you know what that word means.
- Ohmagud the play room scene. WILL THERE BE XBOX?
- And the ‘I don’t make love, I fuck. Fuck hard’ line. Gag. Gag me with ten spoons.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
CHAPTER ONE AND TWO:
- ANNA AKA BELLA, LET’S JUST CALL HER ANNA-BELLA.
- ANNA-BELLA HAS A ROOM MATE CALLED KATE AKA ROSE. I can’t think of a cute way to remix this name so I call her whatever I want.
- THE BOOK JUMPS RIGHT OFF THE BAT WITH THINNEST PLOT SOUP IT CAN WATER BOARD DOWN YOUR PIE HOLE. Kate is sick, so she is shoving her super special interview with the ~mysterious~ Christian Grey aka Color Me Sparkle Edward Cullen, to Anna-Bella.
- OH OOPYS POOPSY ANNA-BELLA IS SO CLUMSY. TRIPPING ALL OVER HER FEET. GOOD THING CHRISWARD IS ABLE TO PICK YOU UP WHEN YOU FALL.
- I usually love descriptive writing in books but ugh this seems so shallow. But I guess it fits with how shallow Anna-Bella and Chrisward are.
- Wait hold up. Anna-bella is on the new paper club right? (I think, my mind is trying to slip out of consciousness to save me from listening) So how does this heifer not know the news about Christward being apart of the graduation ceremony? You would think her friend and roommate Kate would be talking about this big scoop she got with the man who would be apart of the ceremony. Anna would at lest HAVE TO KNOW SOMETHING, ANYTHING about Christian. Or is Anna such a blank stale any information just slides right off her?
- Every one is laughing at you Anna-Bella.
- OMG JUST SHUT YOUR DUMB MOUTH ANNA.
- "His eyes just blaze at me”? That doesn’t sound right…
- YEAH ANNA WHY DIDN’T YOU DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH?
- I CAN TOTALLY EAT MONEY CHRISWARD. Just Onomnomnom that shit like a salad.
- Oh so Anna isn’t on the student paper. This doesn’t maker her less dumb. But why didn’t she just explain that before the interview. Oh wait I forgot Anna is kinda dumb.
- Anna is still awkward. Also it always seems like she is trying to run away from Chrisward. That doesn’t sound sexy at all. Or is that what soccor mom’s find sexy?
- I wish this writer would think of another word for ‘penetrative’.
- Boring boring boring.
- Wow is her mom physic? All Anna said was fine and she was like OMG YOU GOT A MAAAAN?
- Oh Ray/Charlie. Charlie was so much fun in Twilight.
- OMG JOSE. THE MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER IN THE BOOK. ONLY BECAUSE I HATE. HATE. HATE HOW THE AUDIO BOOK READER ACTS JOSE’S PARTS. It is so racist? I really don’t know how to explain it. You just have to hear it. It is like the voice, the actress gives Jose is so fake ‘I just jumped over the boarder’ mexican sounding they might as well just play mariachi music any time Jose has lines.
- OH MER GERD I FORGOT THE REAL MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER IN THE BOOK EVER. ANNA’S SUBCONSCIOUS AKA HER INNER GODDESS (said like the Tribe Called Quest).
- Woah if Jose is nothing but shoulders and muscles I think you might need to take that kid to a doctor. That boy ain’t right.
- Oh HEY IT’S ME, CHRISTIAN. I’M JUST IN THE AREA….IN THE STORE YOU WORK IN….TALKING TO YOU.
- The scene where Anna is unknowingly is helping Christian pick up home made sex toys. I wonder if I just know too many freaks or think the worst of people but seeing some one buy duck tap and rope at the same time always makes me think that person has to be using it for a secret sex dungeon or they are a killer.
- OMG IT’S BEEN A FUCKING HOUR IS THIS STILL CHAPTER ONE?! IS THIS BOOK EVEN DIVIDED BY CHAPTERS?! I NEED TO DOUBLE TIME THE SPEED.
- Oh never mind I just hit chapter 3.